Never Gonna Break
by espergirl04
Summary: Companion piece to Hold Me Fast (but can be read as a stand alone). A closer look at their college years. Rated T for some college related shenanigans and mild language.


Companion piece to Hold Me Fast (which I will continue) as it didn't really feel like a second chapter.

XXX

 _Nobody knows how to say goodbye, it seems so easy until you try -The Lumineers_

 **Freshman Year**

She doesn't have a car. Neither does her roommate…because Freshman year. Her roommate's boyfriend is a year ahead at NC State, though. He also happens to be super into football and it's pretty easy for her and Sophie (who has become invested in their relationship because of the letters Peter writes) to convince him to go to State's-go wolfpack!-away game at UVA.

She was never much of a drinker and she was definitely not anticipating what was involved in "pre-gaming" and then the tailgate. But Sophie and Dave keep handing her drinks and Peter and his new friends seem to having a good time so she drinks them. She doesn't remember much of the game and she definitely does not remember most of the party that Peter takes them too afterwards.

She's vaguely aware of Peter handing her water and telling her to drink it and then Peter yelling at some guy who dumps her water out and hands her another beer instead. She's actually pretty sure she's about to witness Peter get into a real fight. But then Peter is taking her by the elbow and leading her outside. Holding her hair back while she throws up.

He looks mildly annoyed the next morning because they were supposed to get waffles and instead he's handing her Gatorade and then a trash can when she can't hold it down. She's so embarrassed and feels terrible (both physically and emotionally) and she's made up her mind to never ever drink again because she feels like she's going to die. She says as much and Peter says "You might have."

"Might have what?" she asks.

Peter doesn't meet her eye, "You don't remember last night?"

"Not much of it," she admits. She realizes that Peter's annoyance is less about the waffles and more about him having to worry about her.

Peter clears his throat then seems to think better about what he's about to say and instead tells her that since she can't keep the Gatorade down he's going to find her some ice.

Definitely not the weekend that either of them wanted because while he shows Sophie and Dave around Charlottesville she's stuck in bed. She apologizes to him a million times before they leave that evening. Peter smiles and tells her not to worry about it, just that she's not allowed to drink again. He hands her a giant bottle of Pedialyte for the ride home.

Sophie tells her later that she had wanted to take Lara Jean to the hospital because she was 99% sure she had alcohol poisoning but Lara Jean had started crying and very adamantly refused. That instead, once they had gotten back to Peter's dorm, he had run a cold shower and sat with her in it to make sure she didn't pass out and die and then rubbed her back while she vomited the entire night. "Your boyfriend is the best," she says.

"I know," Lara Jean says. She groans, "And I'm the worst."

XXX

She gives Peter a tour of UNC and then they walk hand in hand down Franklin Street. It feels so normal and she wishes that this could be every weekend, but it can't. They spend most of their time talking and some of the time doing other things back in her dorm room. Sophie is with Dave this weekend so they have the room to themselves.

Her favorite part of Peter visiting is when they just lay there, in bed, with her head on Peter's chest while they watch a movie. It's so…cozy.

She wants more of this.

Instead those moments get fewer and farther between because they both have papers to write and exams to take and on top of that Peter has lacrosse and Lara Jean has club meetings and there's just not time.

When spring semester rolls around and lacrosse heats up, she manages to convince a friend to drive her up to Charlottesville to watch Peter's first home game ("your man is fine af") and of course she goes to the UVA vs. UNC game. She's initially torn as to what colors to wear because she now bleeds Carolina blue but she dons the UVA cap that Peter gave her because is it really even a question?

The games are the only times they see each other that semester.

 **Sophomore Year**

Sophomore year and it's looking like they'll barely see each other at all. She still gets his letters every week and she still calls him every night or if not every night then she at least sends him a text letting him now that she can't and she'll talk to him tomorrow. Or if it's late and he's already asleep she'll leave him a voicemail like she's actually talking to him.

So one day she hops in her car after class and just goes because my god does she miss his face.

It's close to fall break when she comes down with what she is pretty sure is the flu and if it's not the flu then it's something equally as terrible. Lara Jean is not used to being sick and now that she is she doesn't know how people handle it. She doesn't get out of bed or turn on the lights or really come out from under her covers until her roommate tosses her a bottle of Tylenol and a bottle of orange juice before retreating from the room.

She sleeps the whole day and doesn't hear her phone because a) it's on vibrate and b) she's completely out.

She sleeps most of the next day too until her roommate shakes her awake "dude, your phone has been going off non-stop."

She's too tired to deal with it so she just puts her thumb on the button and tells Sophie to take care of it before falling back asleep.

She's pretty sure she's hallucinating when Peter is in her dorm room. Her incredibly hot boyfriend. Wearing a UVA sweatshirt with the sleeves rolled up showing off his beautiful forearms. He sits on the edge of her bed and puts a hand on her forehead. "Shit, Covey. You go to the doctor yet?"

The Peter hallucination is way less fun than she thought it would be. She just groans and tries to roll over but rolling over hurts so instead her eyes just start watering. He gives her a Tylenol and makes her drink water which in turn makes her throat burn.

The next day her fever is finally down and she's somewhat awake and she's sure that Peter was a hallucination because he's nowhere in sight. Until the door opens and instead of Sophie it's Peter. "Soph let me in," he says. Then he holds up a bag, "I got you some crackers and ginger ale and chicken soup…that's what you're supposed to do, right?"

"Peter," she croaks. "Isn't it the middle of the week?"

"Yeah."

"Don't you have class?"

"Maybe." He shrugs.

"And training?"

He shrugs again.

"What are you doing here?" She finally asks.

"Well, you didn't text me back for two days and you didn't call…and you didn't answer Kitty either…and I guess your Dad tried calling and you didn't call back and then your dad emailed me so then I got worried. Then I tried texting again and Sophie sent me this" he showed Lara Jean a picture of her under her covers accompanied by the mask over its face emoji.

She is selfishly glad that Peter is there but also has this sinking feeling in her stomach and it's not just from the nausea. It's because this is what Peter's mom was worried about. Peter should be in his classes, he's not the one who's sick, and oh no! "Peter what if you get sick too?"

He laughs, "I have an immune system of steel."

He stays with her the rest of the day before driving back for a quiz that he has on Friday. He kisses her on the cheek before he leaves, "Text me if you need anything else," he says.

Peter comes over for Thanksgiving after he eats dinner with his Mom and brother and after he eats his second dinner of the day they lay on the couch and watch a movie while Kitty snuggles with Jamie Fox-Pickle next to them and Trina and their dad clear the kitchen.

"I've missed this," Kitty says.

Lara Jean doesn't say anything because she's afraid she might cry, she's missed this too.

It's Christmas break when Peter shows up at her house, tells her to put her coat on, and they drive and drive but he continues to refuse to tell her where they're going.

He takes her to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg to see the lights and go to the German Christmas market and she doesn't think she could be any more in love with him because it's just so perfect.

XXX

Now that she has her car she tries to make it to all his home games but those weekends are usually so crazy that they barely have time to actually talk. Still, she likes being able to cheer him on.

One weekend she decides to surprise him because in the past he's taken care of her but, like Peter said, he has an immune system of steel and also has a higher alcohol tolerance…plus Peter takes his fitness super seriously when they're in season, he barely drinks anyway…she has less of an opportunity to show that she can also be the responsible, caring one. Also she misses being in the same room as him.

She texts him when she's outside of his dorm and when he comes down he immediately grabs a cookie and shoves it into his mouth, "what's this for?" he manages to get out.

"Because I love you," she says. Then, "are you seriously going to eat all the cookies before you give me a hug?"

"C'mere Covey," he grabs her and she holds him in her arms for a moment and then she feels him sink into her. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

 **Junior Year**

Junior year is hard. Classes are hard. She feels like she's behind all the time and when she finally feels like she's getting caught up there's something else on her plate. Plus she has an internship and that's taking up all of her spare time. By the time she calls him he's either at a party or more often than not he's asleep. Peter continues to send letters but they've gotten a lot shorter.

He finally comes to visit and they're walking out of a bistro when a boy who's just as tall as Peter, if not a little bit taller, calls out "Hey Lara Jean!" He's got a nice smile and his golden hair catches the light in a way that would make a girl without a boyfriend take an extra long look.

"Hey Stephen!"

Stephen jogs up to them. "You coming tonight?" he doesn't seem to acknowledge Peter and she can see the look in Peter's eyes as he sizes him up. It was the look he got with John Ambrose McClaren back in the day. Actually, Stephen kind of looks like he and John could be related.

" Um, you know I think my boyfriend Peter and I are pretty busy so...I'll catch you guys some other time?" She looks at Peter then back at Stephen, "This is Peter, by the way."

"Hey man," Peter holds out his hand and Stephen shakes it with a nice to meet you. And that's that.

Except Peter brings it up again later when they're back at the apartment and she's baking him cookies. "You've never mentioned him before," Peter says. "Stephen."

"Just because we're not really friends or anything, he was talking about a study group. It's open to the whole class."

"Uh huh," Peter has that look in his eye again. "What's up with bow tie?"

Lara Jean is about to say something about all the snaps that girls send him on game day, some of them a little more risqué than others (I don't _ask_ for them Lara Jean), or the time that they got into a fight because she found out that he'd been texting a girl…all innocent on Peter's part, he had shown her the texts, but Lara Jean had a suspicion that it was not so innocent on Sara's.

Instead she pushes it down and walks up behind the stool he's sitting on and then grabs him around the waist and squeezes tight, her cheek against his back. "You're the only one for me, Kavinsky," she says.

"Likewise, Covey."

"With or without a bow tie," she giggles.

Peter reaches around to tickle her, "You think you're hilarious don't you."

XXX

For Christmas Peter pretends that he forgot to get her a gift but then surprises her with a bracelet that he had engraved. It says "Always and Forever" and she jumps on him and says that she'll wear it every day.

She wears it until the day that they break up.

The day that they're on the phone and Peter says something stupid and she says something snippy back and suddenly they're arguing about who has been putting more effort into seeing the other and that girl that was texting Peter ("that was practically a year ago!") and the blonde guy with the study group ("I literally have said three words to him in class and that's it!") and how Lara Jean is tired of hearing about food prepping and macros and Peter is tired about hearing about the latest book that she's read for class and suddenly everything just seems so hard and exhausting and Peter says "I don't know if this is working" and Lara Jean hangs up because she knows that what she says next she'll regret if she doesn't take a second to think. Then she gets a text saying "Guess that answers that." So she calls him back before she probably should and that's it. It's over. Just like that.

She cries. And cries. And cries. And calls Margot who's in Chicago living a wonderful life with her boyfriend-one day maybe fiancé. And cries some more because she realizes that she's done EXACTLY what Margot had managed not to do…Margot was smart enough not to go to college with a boyfriend but no, she, Lara Jean, just HAD to prove everyone wrong.

Then she skypes Chris who had almost settled down at NYU after her travels before she promptly found an exchange program in Australia. Skyping Chris about this was probably a mistake because Chris had spent the past two years not only island hopping but also man hopping, if that's a thing. "Come on Lara Jean! This is your time! You're young, you're in college, go get yourself a man, sow your wild oats!" Lara Jean just nods but as soon as she hits the end button she bursts into tears. That's the last thing she wants to do.

She cries until Emily, the girl that she and Sophie managed to wrangle into getting an apartment with them, finally throws a dress at her, tells her to put it on, and drags her out to a bar along with Sophie. Dave and Sophie had also recently broken up so Sophie understands.

When they get back to their apartment and are in their pj's Sophie tells Lara Jean that they're going to delete Dave and Peter's numbers respectively.

Lara Jean says okay but what she doesn't let Sophie know is that before she deletes it she writes Peter's number down…you know...just in case.

 **Senior Year**

After Peter, there is Stephen. He's smooth. Smart. Kind of douche but not at the same time. When she gets a nasty cold he doesn't hold her hand because he doesn't want to catch it. He doesn't eat her cookies because he's not really a "sweets" person. He doesn't write her notes or letters. Sometimes he doesn't text her for a day or two.

He's different but she enjoys her time with him.

She doesn't hear from Peter all year until she gets a Facebook message saying "Happy birthday Covey!" and she responds with "thanks!"

Stephen asks her what she's smiling about and she just says that Kitty sent her birthday wishes…which is also true.

They both say congrats on graduating with little celebratory emojis.

She smiles when she sees his name pop up in messenger and a part of her always aches.

XXX

After Peter there was Stephen. And after Stephen she goes on a few dates in New York. The guy who wore the fancy suit and that lived in midtown, the guy who try to get her to go rock climbing at the gym as a second date, the pastry chef at her favorite café, the one guy with the man bun who made his own kombucha…but…

None of them stick because it always feels like something is missing.

She doesn't know what it is until she's 27 and vising home and hears Peter's voice say her name in a coffee shop.

She's been missing Peter Kavisnky.


End file.
